Saturday, 14 July 2012
This post is dedicated to one of my best friends, Kaitlyn:
Kaitlyn, you've saved my life this last week. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I'll miss you like crazy when you leave but I know its for the best. I kind of wish I was going with you. But someone's got to stay out here and watch the stars for us. I'll make sure no one steals yours. When you come back we'll go get our tattoos and go get smoothies and park our car at the beach and talk about dreams. I'll miss you, thank you.
So, things haven't been easy right now. I'm really struggling. And I realized that I've hate who I've become... But what if this is me? I've been running for so long from my problems and turned to drinking and smoking in order to not have to deal with myself. People think I blamed my drinking and smoking on other people and my "issues" but really, I drank because I didn't want to think about being me. I tried running from myself. So, basically I'm just trying to figure out my life and now that Kaitlyn is leaving, I feel so alone and so lost. I feel like I've lost all my friends. The thing is, people really don't understand what I'm going through. They all think its one thing, but really its something completely different. People just don't understand, as cliche as that sounds.
Anyway, here is a post. I hope you all enjoy it! Leave some love...
I'm not going to spend my life chasing people. You want to leave? Fine then, go ahead. Because I'm done with chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I've learned love is hard and life is strange.
I knew it wasn't fair, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help it. And after a while, the anger I felt just sort of became part of me, like it was the only way I knew how to handle the grief. I didn't like who I'd become, but I was stuck in this horrible cycle of questions and blame.
I'm trying really hard not to cry over you because every tear is just one more reminder that I don't know how to let you go.
Half of me wants to stay right where I am, in this stressful place because it’s all that I know. There’s something comforting in daily routine and sameness. Like perhaps everything isn’t as bad as it appears, that maybe these things just take time to fix themselves. The other half wants me to leave and never come back, to forget everything about this place that I call home and settle somewhere else. Somewhere where no one knows me and I can live as I please without any questions or criticism.
You know what? I'm proud of my heart. It's been through a lot. It's been played, cheated, burned, stabbed, and broken, but somehow against all odds it still works.
So here’s a piece of advice; let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love just isn’t enough, and move on when things aren’t like they were before, for surely there is someone out there who will love you even more.
You think that you deserve that pain, but you don't. I know what it's like to want to avoid it all, to just need to make it go away, but you can't. I know that you look in the mirror and feel that it's all your fault, like there was something you should have done--like in some way, the things that have happened to you were your fault. But, they weren't. And maybe you look in the mirror and see that, but I look at you and see someone incredible, who needs to be happy. Whom I need to be happy. You think you deserve to let these things gnaw at your insides, torturing you, but you don't. You deserve so much better than that. I need you to see that, because you deserve to not walk around with any of this pain. You deserve better, you just have to understand that.
"You can’t just plan a moment when things get back on track, just like you can’t plan the moment you lose your way in the first place."
It scared me to realize how easy it is to become that person you never wanted to be.
Someone once asked me, ‘Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?’ I replied, ‘Why do you assume I see two roads?’
I don't blame her; I don't blame anyone who falls for him because it's hard not to. You look at him and it's instant -and if it's not you're probably blind. He's really good at saying sweet things and making jokes that can lead you on. And if that's not enough, you find out how screwed up he is -I hate how harsh that sounds but it's true- and you just want to save him. He's so honest, you think you have to be special to know that things you know. But you're not special. He's just really good at drawing you in, because in the end, he just doesn't want to be alone.
“The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end. That it won’t get better. Because it will.”
Some of the most comforting words that can be heard are "me too." That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else's struggle and that you're not alone fighting that same battle.
I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don’t like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that. Everyday there’s something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy for just amoment. It’s like it’s not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling.